Touching the Heart

Seems that twitter is the place to find all my long-lost soul-kin.

For example, please welcome Karen Caterson (@SquarePegKaren), author of today's guest post. In her words, she is a "Recovering Psychotherapist, Square-Peg Advocate and Writer at Square-Peg Reflections, where she can be found wondering, weaving life-stories, swearing, and relishing the Square-Peg community (but not necessarily in that order)."

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I want to talk about touching the heart - the gift of real person-to-person communication. I'll start by sharing a couple of explanatory stories.

And being the bass-ackwards kind of gal that I am, I'll tell you the one that illustrates not touching the heart first. This is my DMV story...

I was at the local Department of Motor Vehicles office with my daughter a couple weeks ago (the chore part of a girls' day out). And while I wasn't expecting to see anyone sit down to cookies and tea with their chosen government worker, I didn't realize that the visit would be so impersonal (and weird).

While I waited for my daughter to renew her license I looked around. The office wasn't busy - only 2 workers, 2 customers - and me. One worker - the fellow across the room - laughed with his customer. Both he and the customer were smiling a lot. No cookies and tea, but still...

My daughter was called to the desk of a woman who didn't seem to be there to laugh and smile with her people. The interaction was odd. With an expressionless face and a monotone voice, my daughter was asked the (apparently) standard questions. I would say that it was a no-nonsense kind of exchange, but I can't - it was BIG nonsense.

After complying with the request to: "Sign there.", Slightly-Brit (daughter) was asked: "Is that your signature?" Huh? I thought maybe she'd used a signature vastly different from the one on her old license. But no - this was just the first of a series of superfluous questions.

Next Slightly-Brit was told to look at a particular spot as her photo was taken. Then she was asked (while being shown the photo that was just taken): "Is that your picture?"

What? Are there photo-altering ghosts at the DMV now? Who else's picture could that possibly be? But we're not done yet.

The woman assisting Slightly-Brit pushed buttons, moved levers and pulled out my daughter's brand new driver's license. Before handing it over though, she had another question (of the woman, my daughter, who had not moved from her chair during this whole procedure - and who was the only person within 12 foot of the government worker's desk or license making machine) - and she asked this with an expressionless face and a monotone voice: "Is this your signature and your photo?" Argh!

How can someone ask questions like that without a hint of humor? Even if you aren't a chuckler, I think it'd be hard not to share an ain't-this-standard-operating-procedure-crap-ridiculous moment with a customer. But there was no connection - or communication (no heart touching) - in that encounter. Just procedure, just: "1-2-3 Next!"

Contrast the DMV visit with this experience: during my Gestalt Therapy trainings I was wont to cry at one particular point during every training week-end - the time when I was a client (the week-ends involved triad work where we each took a turn as a therapist, a client and an observer).

We would get into groups, go off to find a semi-secluded spot and start to work. I didn't cry when I was the therapist or the observer. But every time I was the client I'd start to cry immediately. Before our "session" started!

"Why?", you ask. Well, even if you didn't ask - I sure did! "Why? Why? Why am I crying every #%@!-ing time I'm the client!?!"

I bet you know! It had to do with real communication. But I didn't realize that until - after my 47 zillionth repetition of the question: "Why? Why? Why am I crying every #%@!-ing time I'm the client!?!" - when another trainee wondered if I wasn't reacting to being seen and heard (brilliant folks, those Gestalters!).

Yes, I was! My heart was being touched - I was being seen and heard every time I was the client - that's a rare gift. No wonder I cried (for joy!).

These stories are from opposite ends of the communication spectrum. There's a lot of difference between dealing with someone in an automaton-like way (no connection) and encountering someone person-to-person in real communication - connecting in a way that allows someone to feel seen and heard.

Real communication (touching hearts/having our hearts touched) is something we all deeply desire (maybe even need).

And whether it's as tiny as a few seconds of meaningful eye contact or a smile on the run -- or as big as a couple hours of deep soul sharing with a trusted other - we can all touch hearts. We have opportunities every day for real person-to-person communication.

So which end of the spectrum would you like to move toward? Do you want to be someone's DMV-type horror story (good for a giggle when told, but not heart touching - not life expanding) or would you rather make grown people cry touch hearts?

Go touch hearts!

But What If I'm Barefoot?

They say that you shouldn't judge another person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

The idea here being that we really have no idea what another person is dealing with, what their lives are like, what it's like to be in their heads and hearts, and therefore really don't have an accurate picture by which we can make judgments about their words and actions.

I think this is good advice, as easy as it often is to make assessments about that other guy's so obviously blatant rude behavior.

But I digress.

I've been thinking a bit lately about empathy and compassion. About certain governmental leaders  in recent news who may have been calling the kettle black. And while the rest of us scream 'hypocrisy', I was thinking what a opportune time for that person to rethink his former stance against another governmental leader who once was in a similar position that he now finds himself.

But I digress yet again.

What I was really thinking when this came up, while working on a recent client, was this woman's breathing. And how it might feel to breathe that way. And her feet. And her body. And what it might feel like to inhabit that body.

This was one tip given to us in shiatsu school... when assessing a person's condition, and observing their posture, imagine putting yourself in that same bodily position. In doing so, you can almost imagine what they feel like.. what kind of outlook they might have on the world.

Try it, if you can. (Preferably without them noticing, otherwise they might accuse you of mocking them). Notice if their shoulders are slouched or pulled back, or if their chin hangs down or juts out. How do they walk? Do they shuffle? Or aggressively stride? Can you mimic this for a few moments and see if your own attitude changes, for better or worse?

And if you are fortunate enough to have someone beside you when you sleep, try noticing their breathing pattern and making yours the same. Often it's very difficult and uncomfortable after a few minutes.

This same client (coincidentally) was telling me a while back about a psychologist she knew of who would slowly mirror his client's mannerisms throughout their session ... so little as to be imperceptible. (I believe this conversation came up with her around the topic of goth.) And so, in his process of working with young people who had adopted this dark, macabre fashion statement, and then mirroring their posturing, he found his own thoughts growing rather dark and gloomy.

How interesting, I thought. To be able to get into a person's head by getting into their body. Almost literally walking in their shoes (which, by the way, in doing so, we possibly could get an idea of their posture, as our shoes wear out in accordance with our way of walking).

Body empathy? Kinesthetic compassion? Maybe there already is a whole science around this. I know that I've heard that when we want people to know that we're really listening to them, we mirror their body language. Often we do this unconsciously, adapting their movements, and sometimes even the pitch and tempo of their voice. (Try it! Notice what your own arms want to do when talking to someone who has their arms folded as if in a protective stance..)

And then, what would happen if we were to try reversing the process? In ourselves, by adopting a more upright and forward outlook when we're feeling down. Or keeping our postures open and uplifted when interacting with someone else who feels closed or low.

Could we better 'feel for each other' by learning how to feel as each other?