don't be dissin' the twitter
Friday, July 3, 2009 at 04:37PM After a recent book launch, in which I relentlessly plugged this book and its lovely author to my friends, my email list and everyone else within virtual reach, I had a client ask me if I lived near this friend, and I replied that no, she lives in the UK, and I had never actually met her... and had only dealt with her online and by phone.
"Oh," she said, a little smugly. "Then she's not really your friend. I thought this was someone you actually knew.." as if this piece of information now negated everything I had said about this person, her work, and our now obviously fictional un-relationship.
I got defensive, which was made even more uncomfortable by the fact that I was working on her at the time.
But I get it. I've heard the criticism, the arguments, the 'oh give me a break's, concerning 'social media' and how it's a farce and not really social, and have even read from an otherwise seemingly intelligent writer, his stereotypical image of the lonely anti-social teen lurking in his basement bedroom, 15,000 "friends" on Facebook, but nary a one he could be seen at the mall with, and this, my friends is indicative of how social media is destroying our civilization.
Ok, so would any of my 238 Facebook friends (many of whom, I do actually know in person) or my 1,379 twitter followers pass the official 'friend' litmus test: would they drive me to the airport? Or help me move furniture? Honestly, I don't how many of my 'live' friends would pass that test either, nor would I ask most of them to.
And what about this woman lying on my massage table? I consider her a friend, and yet, we have professional boundaries. We do not share the same kinds of exchanges, the same depth of mutual sharing as I would with other friends, because it would be totally inappropriate.
So, I think as with all relationships, they serve different functions. They exist in different dimensions, and serve many different purposes for us. If I'm feeling like crap, and I announce it to the twittersphere, and several people take a moment to offer a kind word, do I feel any less uplifted, because they're not my real friends? Hell no! Do I care that if we actually did meet in person, we might not get along? Again, no.... because for the brief support I needed in that moment and received, the function of twitter was served. And whatever else this person may be, I know that in that moment, at least, the sentiment was heartfelt, and it was muchly appreciated.
As for the author of the article about how social networking is destroying authentic interaction, and therefore civilization, yeah, I kinda get his point. And yet, I also see another side. I see humans, always the innately social animals we are, taking the internet, and once again, turning it on its ear and bending it to serve our deepest longings for connection.
I see people who are reaching out in ways that they've never been able to before: introverts, shy folks, "different" and quirky people, finding their voices and speaking them loudly for the first time in their lives. I see people reaching out to one another for support, in their personal and professional lives, and I see them taking their on-line relationships into real life.
We dis' the 'virtual-ness' of it... we negate the beauty of people coming alive and speaking their truths, and being all kinds of authentic because after all, it's easy to hide behind a blog, and speak out from a distance, when you can't look into another's eyes. But those who would criticize or downplay the magnitude of this are missing what's really happening.... which as far as what I'm able to keep up with reading, there is some major heavy-duty healing going on.
Because for every person who blogs or tweets about their shit, there are a dozen people tearfully thanking them for letting them know they're not alone, and then moving forward with courage to do the same. And from there it ripples out into the 'real' world.
You tell me, is that really a bad thing?
facebook, healing, social networking, twitter in appreciation, friends, miscellany
Reader Comments (15)
I would totally take you to the airport. And maybe move a couch. If we got to sit on it after and drink tea.
But yeah, it's pretty hard (impossible?) to explain online or other distance relationships to people who haven't experienced the magic bits. I so admire you for even being willing to try. Really beautiful.
Havi: See? This is totally what I am talking about! Would I have ever found you, or Jen Hofmann, or Diane Whiddon-Brown, or Jessica Droeger, or any of the other awesome people that actually are making a difference in my life (sorry if I didn't mention some others by name, but I love you too!) And if I ever move to Portland, I am SO calling you to help me move. (Or just sit and drink tea, while we watch other people move...:)
Exactly - and beautifully said.
Although I'm always grateful for an airport drop-off, my online friends have done so much more. I'm always a little sad that a real-live hug isn't part of the bargain, but the depth of connection has transformed my life (not to mention my business).
Thanks for putting the sentiment to words. I'm honored to be in your list of mentions.
Hug (if virtually),
Jen
Jen: Yes, Real hugs through the interwebz and smell-o-vision are among my top awaited-for innovations. Thank you for dropping by... (wanna come have tea with us?)
It's a weird world and some people haven't quite caught up to it yet.
I have friends all over the place who I originally met virtually, and then met face-to-face but still mostly communicate with through email, twitter, blogs, and phone, because they're hundreds or even thousands of miles away.
And in fact, my business partner (and very good friend) and I haven't yet met face-to-face. I believe we will someday, but not having done so doesn't change the quality or depth of our appreciation and love for each other.
So, yeah. Virtual may lack the physical hugs, as Jen points out (and she's one of the friends I met virtually, and have only been together with in person a few treasured times!), but that doesn't mean it lacks depth, heart, and soul.
Yay! for virtual!
Thanks for giving voice to this perspective. Great piece.
Grace: I agree, the virtual world is not for everyone, and may never be, but for those who are avoiding it out of a principle, they may be missing out on some great connections. And your site is wonderful, by the way.. i just realized that I had recently read your "Why my work makes me cry" post. Awesome. Thanks for coming by.
Jen: Thank you as well, and your website, too, is simply stunning. I love your photos.. I will be over there to visit again..
Beautiful. The last paragraph brought tears to my eyes because there have been so many times that I've been the one lurking on someone's blog, nodding and clapping or cheering them on, feeling like I had a friend, even if I couldn't comment, even if we'd never talked.
And if you can have that powerful an experience by just reading a blog, or a tweet, or an online article, then it shouldn't be too hard to imagine the incredible experience of reaching out over the internets and having someone reach back, even if it's just for a moment, and clasp your virtual hand. Pretty amazing. And you've written about it beautifully here. Thank you.
Yessss! Thank you for this! I find myself surrounded in "real life" by people who think the whole idea of meeting friends online is just *weird.*
But I call Twitter my "brain trust" because it's hardly any people I know in person, just people I have connected with on a very deep level, about subject matter where we have a mutual interest. I feel like I am kind of this quirky weirdo for wanting to talk about the stuff I do, and the odds of meeting others who think like I do are slim anyway, but if I had to limit my field to only people I have met in person? Slim to none. Twitter radically increases the potential to find soul friends I think :)
Diane: Obviously, as I mentioned you, :) I had our phone conversation in mind (see people!? I use the phone too!!) when I wrote this. And look what a fabulous and supportive connection we've made!
Eileen: My point exactly. The fulfillment of our human need to connect with like-minded souls has been mega-amplified. It's so very cool.
This is utterly divine, Gina.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ooh, beautiful.
Absolutely, without the internet I would not have as many friends, not nearly, or as diverse. I would know a lot less about life and not have met my last two boyfriends, actually!
Teh internetz allows us to expand our consciousness and connect, distance be damned! YAY. Thanks for this post!
Fantastic post! Definitely something to be shared and passed on to all the people just getting their feet wet online.
It's a matter of us challenging the norms of traditional friendship and socialization and expanding it into something more.
There's more to communicating online than the simple trolls, haters, and critics. There are actual real live, sweet, friendly people!
So have your internet friends and your real ones too. There's always room for one more. ;-)
This is a very well written response to this seemingly never ending argument. The really interesting part of the argument is that the same people that complain about virtual socialization spend their free time in front of the television not with Live friends. The reality is, that though I love my live friends, they have moved, I have moved and frankly many of them are just not that interesting to me that I need to see them live on even a weekly or monthly basis. Twitter is especially good at finding people with similar interests to converse with, exchange idea and find pertinent resources. The best part is when you do really connect with some of them at a deeper level online, the relationship expands virtual or not.
How many of us are really willing to forget the computer, the phone, go back to driving Chevelles instead of our new Prius? Any one? The greatest part of this technological advancement we call social networking is that it is bringing back the community to the modern world. We are creating global towns of like minded individuals who help each other, make each other laugh, exchange recipes and even constructively disagree (we hope) over topics they are passionate about. Do I not really know some of these people? If within my online social-nation I ask questions, answer questions, put out concepts, read replies, talk about the weather, my children or my job, offer advice, receive advice, laugh, laugh again....am I not with friends? Am I not experiencing community and experiencing it on a deep committed level?
Lets face it, most of our live friends would not help us move! Actually I have a hard time getting them to come over for tea!
So I beg to question the concept again, does it matter where "insert who you call a friend here" originates from, or is what really matters is how you connect with them and how they make you feel?
Anyway, nice article. Keep them coming.
A.
Hi Aaron! Thanks for visiting. No doubt about it, people have strong opinions about twitter and the like one way or another. I, of course, am slightly biased, but I do like to look at the positive.. like I said, it's evidence that humans crave social connection. The critics will say it's in danger of replacing real face-to-face interaction, but that's already been lost in recent years. I see social networking as an attempt to get back from our isolation, by whatever means necessary.
I liked your site too, by the way (reignandremain.com) and your post on canola oil. Good stuff.