Alright, Fine, Amazon...

My blog is available via subscription on Kindle, and I was told that apparently, my subscribers (though I'm pretty sure I have none), quote: "... expect to receive frequent updates for blogs and news feeds to which they subscribe."

Oh, and "Because blogs should update at least once per month, we are cancelling blogs that have not updated in more than 60 days."

Not sure who made up that rule, but if you're paying for the blog, I suppose it's only fair that you receive your $1.99 worth.

There was a time when I wrote quite prolifically... (prolifically? Yeah, that's a word..), sometimes a couple posts a week.. even in a day, if I was on fire. Ridiculous, really.

And there was a time when I intended to write about the adventures in divorce I was heading into, with the self-inflated and presumptuous idea that my transparency about the experience would be of benefit to others.

Well, not only did I find myself with little time to write blogs at all, but even less interest in sharing any of that experience. Or sharing anything, really.

It took me about a year and a half... really, till about a month ago ... to recognize that I was in mourning... or should have been, and retreating from the world was a healthy response to the grief process. And even then, it took the death of two people dear to me, and a son admitted to the hospital to really trigger the emotions that had been dammed up for a while.

Instead I was beating myself up with 'shoulds', (hear that, Amazon?) and thinking maybe I should seek help for being so isolated from socializing, when really, I was using all of my resources to gracefully keep it all together.

I lamented not being able to take a week or a month, and disappear into retreat for a bit to process things, but it occurred to me, that in many ways, that's what I had been doing all along. I still had to work, be the mom, meet obligations as best I could, but I gave myself permission to refrain from committing to too much beyond that.

Yeah, I guess I questioned whether my 'permission' was actually 'excuses'... but I know in my heart that I harbored no self-pity, and that I really did try to take care of myself any way I could.

Silence is one way I do that ... a personally-cherished and reliable means of reaching within to find my ground again.

So, does this mean I'll be back to my online yappy self again?

Maybe sometime - soon, perhaps, though it is winter.. an optimal time to go deep, touch base with Source, shore up resources, and reflect.

One of the blessings I hope to emerge from the deep with is the true meaning of self-care. Not in a bubble-bath way, or a New Year's Resolution way, but in a moment-to-moment, let-yourself-be-rude-and-antisocial-and-fall-apart-and-say-no-more-dammit! kinda way.

Okay, are you happy now, Amazon?