Smart Goals

This was the topic I was recently asked to speak about at my second visit to a local fitness center.

In thirty minutes I tried to reframe a phrase that may have had very different implications for my audience than the ones that came to me and my shiatsu-brain.

My intended point - assuming that the topic was geared toward jumping on to the New Year's resolution bandwagon - was that there might be more to this goal-setting thing to consider, other than an arbitrary date, and to encourage folks to think a little differently and compassionately about how to meet their health goals.

I first invited responses from the group to the question, "What does the phrase 'smart goals' mean to you?", followed by my own impression that 'smart' could perhaps mean 'realistic'.

'Realistic', as in, setting goals that were achievable and based on conditions that came from within a person rather than from without, and which took other influencing factors into account  - five of which I've which I've outlined here:

1) A sense of ownership. Where is the goal coming from? From your doctor? From magazine covers? From Oprah? I suggested starting with a larger vision. Can you find a phrase or word to describe the quality you're seeking to experience in your life? What is the deep 'why'. An internal connection to this quality would be more effective in getting you over the setbacks on your path than the adherence to an external standard.

2) Identification of the 'payoffs'. What is the underlying story or need that arises in that crucial moment of deciding between the thing that meets your goal, and the thing that sabotages it? What are you really feeding? Can you name it and be compassionate around it, without trying to push it away or judging it (or yourself)? We often make those 'setback' kind of choices in response to an older, deeper, and perhaps unexplored story that only rears its head in a moment of challenge. If you can name it, you can tame it - perhaps appease it and even come to some mutual agreement. :)

3) Current life circumstances. Is your life supportive right now of deep challenging goals? The sad irony is that when life is at its craziest is when the need for self-care is greatest. But whilst navigating a job or a change in living situation, or when dealing with difficulty on the home front - this is not the time to set major life change goals. Not with a great degree of success anyway.

Battling a nicotine addiction, for example, requires at least some degree of support from people close to you. My own self-care epiphany arose out of this realization.

Conversely, though, waiting for one's life situation to be perfectly calm is not the answer either. In fact, being the one to take the lead in improving oneself may be the impetus for challenging personal environments to change too.

4)  Questioning what the path should look like. After long years of internal battle, I've recently been willing to admit that goals and plans are not evil, and maybe self-discipline is a Good Thing. However, I will still contend that sticking to an unexamined path simply for the sake of sticking to it - particularly if it's not getting you (joyfully) to where you want to go is just silly.

Checking in often with where you're headed (see #1) and if your strategy is leading you there is more important than the particulars. If you want to incorporate more movement into your life, but you're avoiding the treadmill like the plague, maybe there's another way to move.

My ex-husband relocated our new dryer away from the washer ... downstairs...down the hall ... in the garage, mostly because it wouldn't fit upstairs. A well-meaning friend of mine compassionately keeps offering to move it upstairs, but I have to tell him that laundry day is sometimes my only opportunity to get exercise lugging wet clothes up and down the stairs. Convenience has its downfalls, ya know? 

5) Your body is a natural ally. And your body - being of nature - has innate wisdom, rhythms and can be trusted to have a pretty good idea of what's appropriate for itself. Resistance to sticking to a goal-oriented path may be more a matter of natural inappropriateness, than lack of willpower. Chinese Medicine (as well as other ancient health practices, the Bible, etc) agree that there's a time and place for everything, which may or may align with our self-imposed structures, schedules and formulas.

So, what does all this mean?

Well, that our paths to a better quality of life can be more graceful, more fluid, and just easier if they arise out of an understanding of who we are, where we are, and a willingness to listen to ourselves.

Easier said than done? Maybe. But not impossible, and indeed, less stressful and much more rewarding.

Comments? Questions? Just hit the 'post comment' link at the top or drop me a line.

Alright, Fine, Amazon...

My blog is available via subscription on Kindle, and I was told that apparently, my subscribers (though I'm pretty sure I have none), quote: "... expect to receive frequent updates for blogs and news feeds to which they subscribe."

Oh, and "Because blogs should update at least once per month, we are cancelling blogs that have not updated in more than 60 days."

Not sure who made up that rule, but if you're paying for the blog, I suppose it's only fair that you receive your $1.99 worth.

There was a time when I wrote quite prolifically... (prolifically? Yeah, that's a word..), sometimes a couple posts a week.. even in a day, if I was on fire. Ridiculous, really.

And there was a time when I intended to write about the adventures in divorce I was heading into, with the self-inflated and presumptuous idea that my transparency about the experience would be of benefit to others.

Well, not only did I find myself with little time to write blogs at all, but even less interest in sharing any of that experience. Or sharing anything, really.

It took me about a year and a half... really, till about a month ago ... to recognize that I was in mourning... or should have been, and retreating from the world was a healthy response to the grief process. And even then, it took the death of two people dear to me, and a son admitted to the hospital to really trigger the emotions that had been dammed up for a while.

Instead I was beating myself up with 'shoulds', (hear that, Amazon?) and thinking maybe I should seek help for being so isolated from socializing, when really, I was using all of my resources to gracefully keep it all together.

I lamented not being able to take a week or a month, and disappear into retreat for a bit to process things, but it occurred to me, that in many ways, that's what I had been doing all along. I still had to work, be the mom, meet obligations as best I could, but I gave myself permission to refrain from committing to too much beyond that.

Yeah, I guess I questioned whether my 'permission' was actually 'excuses'... but I know in my heart that I harbored no self-pity, and that I really did try to take care of myself any way I could.

Silence is one way I do that ... a personally-cherished and reliable means of reaching within to find my ground again.

So, does this mean I'll be back to my online yappy self again?

Maybe sometime - soon, perhaps, though it is winter.. an optimal time to go deep, touch base with Source, shore up resources, and reflect.

One of the blessings I hope to emerge from the deep with is the true meaning of self-care. Not in a bubble-bath way, or a New Year's Resolution way, but in a moment-to-moment, let-yourself-be-rude-and-antisocial-and-fall-apart-and-say-no-more-dammit! kinda way.

Okay, are you happy now, Amazon?

My Goddess Year

I'll admit it... though I've long been a big fan of Goddess Leonie (and her inspire-er, SARK), a large part of the reason why I got this planner, was not because I needed yet another planner. It was mostly because I had something similar in mind to create someday, and I wanted to see how she did it.

So sue me. (Oh wait, I could be sued for plagiarism couldn't I...?)

Well, anyway, a week into the new year, I decided to finally download the thing, and, oh. my.

(sigh)

Today was one of those days where I'm just glad it was Sunday and I could excuse myself from life on the defense of the sabbath. I worked anyway, but still, I have to come to use this day as a time for self-reflection... some days in the quiet of Quaker Meeting, or like today, in the midst  of vacuuming and cleaning the health center where I work.

And I've been willing to entertain the thought that I need a break. Or a closure ceremony. Or something.

To admit that 2011 was a rough year... rife with gorgeous blessings yes, but hard-won, and exhausting. But still not being sure where to go with all that, what to do, where to go to find peace and solace and rest.

So, to finally download the first few pages of this calendar, and discover the first three or so dedicated to 'celebrating and releasing 2011' was such a sweet little gift.

To spend a few moments writing responses to the questions, "what am i deeply proud of myself for?", and "what feelings do i want to release?", while the setting January sun hangs in my kitchen window...

All I can say is, ahhhhh....

I've not yet finished wrapping up my past year... should probably take my time savoring its gifts before I kick it to the curb, which I've been anxious to do, but I am looking forward to answering Leonie's prompts to help create my vision for 2012.

As my divorce has taught me, I've come to believe that one definition of forgiveness is choosing how we tell the story about the past, and to realize that this has every bearing on how we move into the future.

There are many ways to do this... but if you're interested in checking out this lovely and compassionate piece of art and love in print form, here it is:

Just click the image to read more about it.

Yes, it's an affiliate link, but I never promote anything that I haven't found to be useful for myself.

Let me know what you think!

Self Care? Yeah, Right...

The following is based on a talk I gave on October 8th at ACAC fitness center in West Chester...

When you hear the phrase, 'self-care', what comes to mind? Do you have a list? An ideal?

Let me ask you this. Would you consider your life hectic? Is self-care a priority? In theory only? In practice?

Is meeting your ideal self-care standard a challenge? (raising my own hand...)

I'll admit this is a phrase I've thrown around.. how could I not in my line of work?

"You have to take care of yourself .. if you're a mother, wife, caretaker, human being, you'll be of no use to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first.. blah blah blah ..."

And everyone has an opinion about this - me, the holistic world, well-meaning friends and family, Dr Oz, Oprah.. all with a litany of advice, suggestions, and 'simple tips' for how to do this.

This is not another (not so) simple list for what I think you should be doing.

My story, in short.

I contacted a friend/therapist a bit ago, for some help getting though this, ahem, transitional period. I'd been going it alone for awhile, and ran into some snags. And I though, lookit me! Taking care of myself! How very adult. And mature.

In the process of our talks, she asked me the Question: "How do I show up for my self-care?" I immediately thought, 'okay, no prob. I got this.'

Several days later, while in the shower, mentally going down the to-do list for the day/month/year/life... which started out manageable, quickly gained weight ... and then, some arbitrary item tipped the scales into utter overwhelm.

Then her question appeared. How do I show up for my self-care?

Shit.

The tears began. And the attendant discouragement.

Self-care ... this phrase, I soon realized, had an unconscious railway of thoughts attached to it. Another whole to-do list, which not only seemed impossible but made me hate her just a little for even assigning me that homework. It was like a little box with one of those prank snakes coiled up.

And then a brief moment of self-reflective questioning.

Maybe my ideals are are too high. Maybe too many things on the to-do list. Maybe I can let a few things go for now.

But wait? What's this under the snake? Oh.. a tiny little phrase that I hadn't quite noticed, just under the "You really have to do this..."

It read, '...because if you don't..."

Remember what I preach to my clients? 90% of what they bring to me I attribute to some form of self-neglect. So logic says surely I will fall to the same... breakdown, headaches, back surgery, hip replacements, heart attacks, cancer ... if I don't deal with my stuff and take care of myself.

I could immediately see that this unexamined line of thinking wasn't helping me to feel less stress.

Was this true that all this would happen? I really don't know. Was it helping me to try to manage the rest of my living days with concern in this moment that I can't yet maintain a meditation practice? Not really.

Do I believe self care is necessary? Yes. But if these thoughts are causing me pain right now, then maybe I should look at them a little more closely.

Insight One. One of genuine, authentic do-able-in-the-moment self-care. Examine my current thoughts. Derail the thought trolley that only goes in circles.

What I will dub as 'Anti-Self-Care Thoughts' that usually begin with:

    "I really should...", "If only.....", "I just wish...." " I just gotta...." "What's wrong with me that I can't.....",      "Why can't they just....?"

How many of those suggestions are mine, are pop-culture's, are the holistic community's? How many are things that are not only not true for me, but are unpractical and unrealistic given where I am right now?

The Ah-ha.

Maybe self-care is not about taking on an exercise regimen, overhauling my diet, wishing I could have a vacation, anything to do with 'pampering' (my pet peeve word). Maybe it's a moment-to- moment decision. Starting with, where are my thoughts going right now, and what concerns can I jettison. What items on my list are tipping the scales into overwhelm? And why?

Insight Two.  Self-care may mean not just taking care of the body, but taking care of the mind, and the quality of the moment.

I did feel a little better in challenging the fear that was underlying my 'shoulds'. I felt space and a little peace, and a temporary sense of 'okay, I think I can handle this'.

The joy of a few days of peace around this whole 'self-care' thing.

The Irony. Coming down with a bad cold.

But even then, I was forced to really choose carefully. I did not (in my mind, 'could not' ) drop certain commitments, and did not deeply explore why until later. Even now, I'm wondering if that should have been a great opportunity to examine the other side, the 'why I couldn't give myself a break'.

But I digress.

Point is, I've been really examining this whole self-care idea.. what it really means, what forms it can take. And they can be deeply personal and unique... not generic prescriptions or external standards. And certainly, keeping them within reasonable expectations helps.

For example, here's my generic, 'new year's resolution' list:

- cook three healthy meals a day, including food to bring to work
- bake bread
- daily qigong or yoga practice
- any kind of daily exercise practice
- bike rides in the summer
- daily meditation
- shiatsu once a week
- take vacations twice a year
- regular juicing and seasonal cleanses
- keep my house really neat and organized
- regular journal writing
- delegate the housework to my perfectly able-bodied sons with grace and ease and calm authority

Yeah, right.

Here some forms I've realized it actually takes for me:

- letting myself off the hook (letting others off the hook... expectations of others can be stressful    too)
- questioning thoughts that cause me stress
- refraining from eating cereal for lunch
- noticing when my energy flags ... and asking what's really causing it
- being honest with myself
- being honest with others
- standing in wu chi position (a relaxed, but alert and grounded stance)
- turning the music on really loud
- walking to the mailbox
- weeding or mowing the lawn
- admitting I'm angry
- admitting i'm being petty or judgmental or any number of other qualities I hate owning up to, at least to myself
- saying no
- saying yes
- getting to bed when I'm tired
- making peace with what I can't change in this moment, or ever
- throwing a private temper tantrum
- taking deep breaths
- drawing from my Source
- cleaning up my space, my desk, keeping my bedroom clean
- throwing things out
- knowing where my limits are and when to ask for help
- tapping into my own core when faced with difficult people or stressful situations
- exploring fear
- getting my coffee pot ready to go the night before
- rereading letters of appreciation
- washing my bed clothes

Lots of little things, as you can see.

I've found that my ability to go on for long periods of chaos is not because I can take two week vacations to recharge (or even weekends off, because I don't yet feel comfortable doing that), or get regular massages, or delegate with ease... but because I've learned to tune in to the moments of need and ask what is it I need in this moment? And why?

Why self-care?

Well. we've identified the long-term health implications.

But we also do these things so our day-to-day experiences are better, more manageable, more joyful.

I have to accept that my life is what it is right now.

\Wishing it were otherwise, or that I had more discipline, or more hours in the day doesn't help me feel those qualities of peace and energy and presence. Two week vacations are great, but they wear off, and anyway, are damn near impossible right now.

Finding ways to experience those qualities right now, or when I need them, are what keep me chugging. But also, there are certain practices I engage in by default that have helped me tune in to my emotions and my body so I can discern what I need. Teaching qigong makes me practice it. Giving shiatsu makes me mindful of where my energy is, or isn't, and what I need to do so I don't deplete myself. Wanting harmonious relationships with my children reminds me to breathe. A lot.

*Another self-care practice is recognizing that what I need may not be possible right now, and exploring whether I'm strong enough to absorb the hit without resentment. Usually I am if I do it consciously. *

But those are my answers.

So, how do you know what you need, when you're in need of self-care? 

What happens when you neglect yourself?

What qualities are you longing for when you feel overwhelmed?

What glimpses of those qualities can you bring to situations that are less than the ideal?

I hope this gave you some things to think about, if the idea of self-care is a challenge for you, or aspects of it feel stressful. I hope that you can open up your ideas around what it means, allow it to take a different shape for you that meets your needs and the uniqueness of who you are and your situation.

Here are some more questions to help you further explore this topic...

EmbodyGrace is Poised for World Domination!

Okay, so maybe just the greater Chester County area...

Anyway, together, with my partner-in-crime, Bill Bryan, we will be offering three classes at the newly-opened Thrive Yoga Center in Gilbersville. And if you've ever attended a class with Bill and me, you know they are usually pretty fun.

This Saturday, October 22nd, from 4:00-5:30 pm:

Posturing for Health: Qigong

A small sample of our 10-week course, we discuss the concepts of unhealthy vs healthy stress, grounding and centering, followed by an introduction to the "Eight Pieces of Brocade," - a qigong routine (qigong being a form of 'moving meditation') designed to strengthen immunity, increase vitality and flexibility, and help you cope with the stresses of daily life. No experience necessary. Hand-outs included. Wear comfortable clothing.

Also that Saturday, from 6:30-7:30pm:

Self-Massage for General Health and Specific Injuries

Learn a simple yet effective whole body self-massage routine that you can practice anytime, anywhere, in whole or in parts as needed. Mostly shiatsu-based but also incorporates soft-tissue release to address common injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome or tendonitis, as well as a few simple qigong moves to relieve back and neck pain. Hand-out included, so you can practice at home!

Each of these classes is $45, but you can attend both for just $80!

Then, on Saturday, October 29th, from 1:00 -3:00 pm:

Couples Massage, Shiatsu-Style!

Touch is powerful means of communication. Too often in our culture, our experience with touch is limited to aggression or sexuality. Now you can expand your language to include compassion, caring and healing with this whole body shiatsu routine. In this class you will learn to give healing touch to a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker from a place of centeredness, as well as receive a treatment. No experience is necessary... bring a friend to work with, as well as something soft to lie on the floor, a blanket and a pillow. Also, wear loose, comfortable clothing. Hand-outs will be given so you can practice the routine anytime.

This class is $110 per couple.

==> To register: call Sue Greenwald: (484) 459-3082. As her space is new to the community, I don't think she's expecting a large attendance... wouldn't it be fun to surprise her with a huge turn-out!?

Top Ten Reasons to Do Qigong - #8

It's better than coffee!

Well, maybe it's better FOR you than coffee, but hey, even I'm not ready to give that up completely.

I will say, though, it does have a way of energizing you in a way that caffeine just doesn't. And when you've been doing it for a little while, you really can feel the sensation of current - qi - flowing through your body. You feel open and relaxed - not tight, constricted and fatigued... or jittery.

And .... it doesn't give you coffee breath!

Join us!

Top Ten Reasons to Do Qigong - #9

It's one part of the day you actually have control over.

Life can feel pretty hectic, and some days, like we're barely holding onto the reins.

The practice of qigong, by its very nature, causes us to slow down, pay attention, breathe and move slowly. Not easy for everyone, I know, but with some practice, it will allow for a deeper sense of control which will eventually move out from beyond that 15 to 20 minutes of exercise into something you can call upon any time of the day, regardless of your situation.

5 days left to register!